Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Well, TIME has done it again
Even for TIME magazine, this article is particularly link-bait. Check out how TIME sold the story about Google's funding of a research project to discover the causes of aging in humans:
A couple years ago, we railed on TIME magazine's consistent link-bait tendencies. Read it here: http://theshrikeblog.blogspot.com/2012/10/link-bait-journalism.html
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| Google funds a project to attempt to slow the effects of aging. |
A couple years ago, we railed on TIME magazine's consistent link-bait tendencies. Read it here: http://theshrikeblog.blogspot.com/2012/10/link-bait-journalism.html
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Invasive political opinions threaten fragile ideological environment of Brandeis Geopolitical-dome.
Ecology department warns of threats to the Geo-dome's political climate.
The arrival of new students in August always brings a feeling of hope and renewal to Brandeis University, a Boston-area University of about 3,500 undergraduate students. The University has a proud tradition of welcoming in new students, many of them from diverse backgrounds and foreign countries. But as the semester reached its second month, researchers at the University's biology department have suggested that Brandeis' new students may be the death of the University's proud political environment, which is currently enclosed by the Brandeis Geopolitical-dome.
Constructed in 1967, the Brandeis Geopolitical-dome has been the hallmark of Brandeis' commitment to political integrity. "Our unique blend of liberal, democratic, and left-wing politics has defined Brandeis University for the past 60 years," says Political Ecologist at Brandeis Maureen Lauren-Berwick. "The Geo-dome has been instrumental in retaining that precious political ideology, and keeping it safe from the dangerous political aspirations of the real world." Researchers point out, however, that Brandeis' unique system has undergone serious changes recently, with more right-wing and extreme-left wing politics taking hold in what was once a serene landscape of moderate left-wing homogeny.
Researchers say that Brandeis' new freshman class may be the source of this dangerous political diversity. The new students, despite being mostly democrats, also contain a good number of moderate conservatives, libertarians, and communists. "Never before have we had to consider this, but our unique political structure is extremely fragile," Political Chemist graduate student Oliver Roberts-Erwin stressed, "and is just as susceptible to damage from within as it is from the outside. Where even last year Brandeis was 99.3% Democrat, by this year we've seen an increase in conservatism by 14%. These figures are unacceptable."
Dr. Jonathan Goldstein-Habsburg, the leading professor at Brandeis' political biology department, says that the University still has a chance to retain its previous political homogeny. "It is possible, that by limiting the influx of conservatives and far-leftists to a trickle, we can cancel them out by admitting a number of extremely fervent Democrats from Cambridge. We may not ever achieve the absolute pristine homogeny we once had, but we can still make an attempt at reasonable homogeny levels."
Besides the rapid growth of Brandeis Republicans, the influx of international students has weakened Brandeis' political environment by bringing political influences into the Geo-dome that were previously unknown to students. "There's this kid in my economics class from Turkey," said Sophomore Tanya Rothberg, "and he said he's a member of the Republican People's Party of Turkey. He's a 'Republican,' but his party is also socialist. That doesn't even make sense!" International students' foreign political parties that don't have parallels to American political parties have caused much confusion among American Brandeis students, and according to the Brandeis political science department, have greatly contributed to the weakening of Brandeis' Geo-dome.
"When students are confronted with political systems that have no distinct American parallels, it forces them to rethink their own political affiliations," said Political Physics professor Jason Levin-Shapiro. "It also forces them to consider the politics of areas outside the Geopolitical-dome, which greatly weakens the Geo-dome's integrity from the inside. Unless students are returned to an exclusively American political climate, we risk losing the only political environment we've ever had."
Seeing a politically diverse Brandeis University as inevitable, many Brandeis students are moving on to accept the change in political diversity. Political science researchers have stated that if the current trend continues, the Geo-dome may be rendered obsolete by 2018. If this happens, researchers state it is likely to be removed. For now, Brandeis encourages its students to remain strong in the face of change. "We tried to protect ourselves from the real world," Levin-Shapiro added, "but it turns out that our biggest danger comes from within."
Ecology department warns of threats to the Geo-dome's political climate.
 |
| Political diversity threatens the fragile political climate protected by the Brandeis Geo-political dome |
The arrival of new students in August always brings a feeling of hope and renewal to Brandeis University, a Boston-area University of about 3,500 undergraduate students. The University has a proud tradition of welcoming in new students, many of them from diverse backgrounds and foreign countries. But as the semester reached its second month, researchers at the University's biology department have suggested that Brandeis' new students may be the death of the University's proud political environment, which is currently enclosed by the Brandeis Geopolitical-dome.
Constructed in 1967, the Brandeis Geopolitical-dome has been the hallmark of Brandeis' commitment to political integrity. "Our unique blend of liberal, democratic, and left-wing politics has defined Brandeis University for the past 60 years," says Political Ecologist at Brandeis Maureen Lauren-Berwick. "The Geo-dome has been instrumental in retaining that precious political ideology, and keeping it safe from the dangerous political aspirations of the real world." Researchers point out, however, that Brandeis' unique system has undergone serious changes recently, with more right-wing and extreme-left wing politics taking hold in what was once a serene landscape of moderate left-wing homogeny.
Researchers say that Brandeis' new freshman class may be the source of this dangerous political diversity. The new students, despite being mostly democrats, also contain a good number of moderate conservatives, libertarians, and communists. "Never before have we had to consider this, but our unique political structure is extremely fragile," Political Chemist graduate student Oliver Roberts-Erwin stressed, "and is just as susceptible to damage from within as it is from the outside. Where even last year Brandeis was 99.3% Democrat, by this year we've seen an increase in conservatism by 14%. These figures are unacceptable."
Dr. Jonathan Goldstein-Habsburg, the leading professor at Brandeis' political biology department, says that the University still has a chance to retain its previous political homogeny. "It is possible, that by limiting the influx of conservatives and far-leftists to a trickle, we can cancel them out by admitting a number of extremely fervent Democrats from Cambridge. We may not ever achieve the absolute pristine homogeny we once had, but we can still make an attempt at reasonable homogeny levels."
 |
| Brandeis University, underneath its protective Geopolitical-dome. |
Besides the rapid growth of Brandeis Republicans, the influx of international students has weakened Brandeis' political environment by bringing political influences into the Geo-dome that were previously unknown to students. "There's this kid in my economics class from Turkey," said Sophomore Tanya Rothberg, "and he said he's a member of the Republican People's Party of Turkey. He's a 'Republican,' but his party is also socialist. That doesn't even make sense!" International students' foreign political parties that don't have parallels to American political parties have caused much confusion among American Brandeis students, and according to the Brandeis political science department, have greatly contributed to the weakening of Brandeis' Geo-dome.
"When students are confronted with political systems that have no distinct American parallels, it forces them to rethink their own political affiliations," said Political Physics professor Jason Levin-Shapiro. "It also forces them to consider the politics of areas outside the Geopolitical-dome, which greatly weakens the Geo-dome's integrity from the inside. Unless students are returned to an exclusively American political climate, we risk losing the only political environment we've ever had."
Seeing a politically diverse Brandeis University as inevitable, many Brandeis students are moving on to accept the change in political diversity. Political science researchers have stated that if the current trend continues, the Geo-dome may be rendered obsolete by 2018. If this happens, researchers state it is likely to be removed. For now, Brandeis encourages its students to remain strong in the face of change. "We tried to protect ourselves from the real world," Levin-Shapiro added, "but it turns out that our biggest danger comes from within."
Monday, September 23, 2013
How NOT to send a group e-mail
Hey Guuuuyyyyzzzzzz!!!! It's that one over-enthusiastic Sophomore you met at Orientation! How are all my Freshmen?!?~~~~~~! ?!#&#$%#!!! Okay guyz, STRAP in for the next twenty minutes, cuz I have a CRAZY email to share with you all!
I'm taking up a quick bit of your time to tell you that, if you are one of the ten people on the intramural feminist Quidditch team, practice will be held in the Belfry tower of the Castle.
OH My GOd! LOOK At All these RaNdoM colors! Aren't we JusT SOOO RANDOM!?!?! Abbreviated monkey taco pants esquire! Gosh I'm so random and quirky! Everyone says monkey when they're being random! WHYHHYYYYHYYY?!!?!
RAINBOW!!!!!!!! It took me hours to do this!
Hey! Guess what?><><><?!? There's another event happening soon! The grilled cheese marathon will be on wednesday, September 31!?!!?!?! Hey, who loves this color? WHO LOVES THIS COLOR ON A WHITE BACKGROUND!!!!?! Doesn't it just make you wanna barf with glee??
You get a Brandeis thursday on your next free day!!!! This SILLY color scheme detracts from your angeR!
By the way, Rachel, and David say Heye! What's up guys?
Don't know Rachel and David? Fuck you!
Funclub 2013 would like everyone in funclub to know that funclub meeting times have been changed! Funclub will now meet monday during your Chem recitation, thursday during your debate meeting, and sunday during your work study.
This part is REALLY important!!!! I'm gonna write it in Yellow though, so you have to squint and move your face really close to your computer so it looks like you're trying to french your laptop.
Make SURE you pay very close attention to the above paragraph guys, it's really important.
This part is even more important! Screw people with glasses!!!!! Nerds!!!
FREE FALL CONCERT!!! THIS YEAR'S CONCERT WILL INCLUDE ACTS BY:
-Bon Jovi
-Hipster Z and the pretentious Ds.
-Belinda Nye the Politically Correct Science Woman
-Nickelback cover band Dime-bag
Attendance is mandatory!
Somebody told me that they don't like the creative colors!!!!!?! Well, I think they are a doodoo head!!! But I'll use normal type anyway:
Writing in black, no big deal. They didn't say anything about highlight color! Fuck retinas!
Anyway Guyz, I hope you all have a really great first year! If you found any of this confusing or slightly annoying, feel free to reply to this e-mail at noreply@brandeis.edu. Make sure you hit "reply all" so everyone gets it!!!
Thanks geyez! Love you!
************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****************
Jacob Goldsteinberg
I'm taking up a quick bit of your time to tell you that, if you are one of the ten people on the intramural feminist Quidditch team, practice will be held in the Belfry tower of the Castle.
OH My GOd! LOOK At All these RaNdoM colors! Aren't we JusT SOOO RANDOM!?!?! Abbreviated monkey taco pants esquire! Gosh I'm so random and quirky! Everyone says monkey when they're being random! WHYHHYYYYHYYY?!!?!
RAINBOW!!!!!!!! It took me hours to do this!
Hey! Guess what?><><><?!? There's another event happening soon! The grilled cheese marathon will be on wednesday, September 31!?!!?!?! Hey, who loves this color? WHO LOVES THIS COLOR ON A WHITE BACKGROUND!!!!?! Doesn't it just make you wanna barf with glee??
You get a Brandeis thursday on your next free day!!!! This SILLY color scheme detracts from your angeR!
By the way, Rachel, and David say Heye! What's up guys?
Don't know Rachel and David? Fuck you!
Funclub 2013 would like everyone in funclub to know that funclub meeting times have been changed! Funclub will now meet monday during your Chem recitation, thursday during your debate meeting, and sunday during your work study.
This part is REALLY important!!!! I'm gonna write it in Yellow though, so you have to squint and move your face really close to your computer so it looks like you're trying to french your laptop.
Make SURE you pay very close attention to the above paragraph guys, it's really important.
This part is even more important! Screw people with glasses!!!!! Nerds!!!
FREE FALL CONCERT!!! THIS YEAR'S CONCERT WILL INCLUDE ACTS BY:
-Bon Jovi
-Hipster Z and the pretentious Ds.
-Belinda Nye the Politically Correct Science Woman
-Nickelback cover band Dime-bag
Attendance is mandatory!
Somebody told me that they don't like the creative colors!!!!!?! Well, I think they are a doodoo head!!! But I'll use normal type anyway:
Writing in black, no big deal. They didn't say anything about highlight color! Fuck retinas!
Thanks geyez! Love you!
************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****************
Jacob Goldsteinberg
Friday, September 20, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Brandeis University constructs new "Shapiro Center of Linguistics" atop towering 436-foot-tall precipice.
by Abe Clark
Brandeis students will now have another place in which students can study and explore; the new linguistics center will be at the forefront of the University's recent expansion. With construction set to complete in mid-October, the Shapiro Linguistics center will be the largest and most advanced of its kind in New England.
"With the new linguistics center, made possible by the generosity of Carl and Ruth Shapiro of course, we hope to offer Brandeis students the most advanced linguistics experience possible, just a short rock climb away from their dorms," announced Brandeis University president Fred Lawrence. Accessibility to the Linguistics center from other buildings on campus was a key component of the building's design, said Lawrence. "Students can easily reach the building using alpine style mountaineering or a belay technique." In the winter, the University plans to lend out ice axes to aid students in reaching class on time. Plans to hook the Linguistics Center up to the Rabb/Shiffman helicopter shuttle route have yet to be discussed.
Accessibility to the Linguistics center was questioned early on, however, particularly regarding its accessibility for disabled students and the elderly. "We realize that rock climbing might not be for everybody," said chief architect of the project David Silverstein. "For this reason, we're installing a rope ladder to give access to disabled or wheelchair-bound students." Further accessibility will be added with the implementation of a grappling hook next year.
Aspiring linguistics majors see the new center as a welcome addition to the Brandeis University campus. "I think it's great," said Brandeis sophomore and potential linguistics major Rachel Goldman. "It's...oh, I gotta run." Goldman then told reporters she could not give further comment, as she had class in thirty five minutes.
Brandeis University constructs new "Shapiro Center of Linguistics" atop towering 436-foot-tall precipice.
by Abe Clark
 |
| The new Shapiro Linguistics Center, visible here from the Shiffman Humanities building, continues the Castle theme of Brandeis' campus. |
Brandeis students will now have another place in which students can study and explore; the new linguistics center will be at the forefront of the University's recent expansion. With construction set to complete in mid-October, the Shapiro Linguistics center will be the largest and most advanced of its kind in New England.
"With the new linguistics center, made possible by the generosity of Carl and Ruth Shapiro of course, we hope to offer Brandeis students the most advanced linguistics experience possible, just a short rock climb away from their dorms," announced Brandeis University president Fred Lawrence. Accessibility to the Linguistics center from other buildings on campus was a key component of the building's design, said Lawrence. "Students can easily reach the building using alpine style mountaineering or a belay technique." In the winter, the University plans to lend out ice axes to aid students in reaching class on time. Plans to hook the Linguistics Center up to the Rabb/Shiffman helicopter shuttle route have yet to be discussed.
Accessibility to the Linguistics center was questioned early on, however, particularly regarding its accessibility for disabled students and the elderly. "We realize that rock climbing might not be for everybody," said chief architect of the project David Silverstein. "For this reason, we're installing a rope ladder to give access to disabled or wheelchair-bound students." Further accessibility will be added with the implementation of a grappling hook next year.
Aspiring linguistics majors see the new center as a welcome addition to the Brandeis University campus. "I think it's great," said Brandeis sophomore and potential linguistics major Rachel Goldman. "It's...oh, I gotta run." Goldman then told reporters she could not give further comment, as she had class in thirty five minutes.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
U.S. Military initiates new free "Semester Abroad" program in Syria
Program seen as great benefit for college students
by Abe Clark
In a surprising show of generosity towards the nation's college students, the United States military is opening a new "semester abroad" program in overseas countries. The program aims to provide students with a worldly education that exposes students to international viewpoints and global perspectives.
"I am happy to announce our new 'semester abroad' program, available for all college students ages eighteen and up," said United States military chief of public relations Gary J Volesky. "Students will have to opportunity to spend a semester overseas at a number of exotic locations." Volesky said that students will have the opportunity to participate in a variety of courses and activities overseas, although he stated that he could not specify what those were at this time.
Volesky states that the primary motivation for creating the study abroad program was to expose students from the United States to the cultures and societies of the international educational community. "With this program, we hope to instill in students the values of global thinking and world peace." Spreading values of peace was one of the most important rationals in the initiation of this program, Volesky says. "The United States military always has the best intentions in everything we do. Never forget that."
"We will bring peace through any means we deem necessary," Volesky added. "Any means." When asked to explain what he meant by "any means," Volesky said he could not make a comment at this time.
The program is free for current college students who are legal United States citizens. Despite its attractive nature, there are many openings available for students across the United States: "currently, we are offering 300,000 positions for the study-abroad program. This may seem like many, but we need every man we can get," said the program's spokesperson Ronald P. Edwards. "Students from across the country, from every college and university, are encouraged to join this program." Edwards stressed that the program would rely on the "strength in numbers" of college students.
Many college students initially held back from joining the program, wary of the civil war currently embroiling Syria. "Syria? Isn't there, like, a war there right now?" Asked Boston University student Helen Tuomi. "I think I'd prefer a more peaceful country, like Africa or Scotland." Edwards stressed that the current civil war would have no effect on the program. "Students need not worry about the civil war; that has nothing to do with this program whatsoever. Whatsoever."
"Cobras, though." Edwards added. "That'll be something to look out for. Make sure you bring army boots, kids, those are snake-resistant."
Many students see this program as a godsend. "I honestly don't know how to thank them," said Tufts University student Adam Roberts. "I get a whole year of credits for free and I get to tour the exotic middle east? My only question is, what's in it for the military?" Some Universities have seen drastic dips in enrollment as a result of the program. Northeastern University, in particular, has seen a 96% drop in enrollment since the program began. In order to combat this issue, executives at NEU are considering cutting tuition by 3%.
However, despite its popularity, the program has not been without its controversy. Currently, no physically disabled students have been admitted to the program, though military officials insist that this is a coincidence. Additional controversy has surrounded the fact that so far, no college girls have been admitted into the program; all 298,645 students enrolled in the study abroad program are male. However, military officials state that this is also a coincidence: "the U.S. Army hopes to use this program to benefit students of all colors, genders, and abilities," a military spokesperson told reporters in an official press release. "Placement in this program is decided by a random lottery. We regret if any coincidences have disadvantaged any particular group or groups by accident." Though the army has dismissed allegations of sexism, many college girls remain unconvinced. "A woman deserves the right to study alongside her male counterparts in Syria. This is a fundamental right," said Boston-area lawyer Meghan Gallagher. "I understand that this is a coincidence, but the incredibly high sample size lends this case suspicion."
The program's start is intended to coincide with the beginning of the next semester, although military officials state that the program may have an ambiguous start date. When asked when students would begin flying out to Syria, army spokesperson Volesky told reporters that "Washington had to figure some stuff out first," and that "it could take a couple months to start. But then again, it could be tomorrow."
U.S. Military initiates new free "Semester Abroad" program in Syria
Program seen as great benefit for college students
by Abe Clark
In a surprising show of generosity towards the nation's college students, the United States military is opening a new "semester abroad" program in overseas countries. The program aims to provide students with a worldly education that exposes students to international viewpoints and global perspectives.
"I am happy to announce our new 'semester abroad' program, available for all college students ages eighteen and up," said United States military chief of public relations Gary J Volesky. "Students will have to opportunity to spend a semester overseas at a number of exotic locations." Volesky said that students will have the opportunity to participate in a variety of courses and activities overseas, although he stated that he could not specify what those were at this time.
Volesky states that the primary motivation for creating the study abroad program was to expose students from the United States to the cultures and societies of the international educational community. "With this program, we hope to instill in students the values of global thinking and world peace." Spreading values of peace was one of the most important rationals in the initiation of this program, Volesky says. "The United States military always has the best intentions in everything we do. Never forget that."
"We will bring peace through any means we deem necessary," Volesky added. "Any means." When asked to explain what he meant by "any means," Volesky said he could not make a comment at this time.
Many college students initially held back from joining the program, wary of the civil war currently embroiling Syria. "Syria? Isn't there, like, a war there right now?" Asked Boston University student Helen Tuomi. "I think I'd prefer a more peaceful country, like Africa or Scotland." Edwards stressed that the current civil war would have no effect on the program. "Students need not worry about the civil war; that has nothing to do with this program whatsoever. Whatsoever."
"Cobras, though." Edwards added. "That'll be something to look out for. Make sure you bring army boots, kids, those are snake-resistant."
Many students see this program as a godsend. "I honestly don't know how to thank them," said Tufts University student Adam Roberts. "I get a whole year of credits for free and I get to tour the exotic middle east? My only question is, what's in it for the military?" Some Universities have seen drastic dips in enrollment as a result of the program. Northeastern University, in particular, has seen a 96% drop in enrollment since the program began. In order to combat this issue, executives at NEU are considering cutting tuition by 3%.
However, despite its popularity, the program has not been without its controversy. Currently, no physically disabled students have been admitted to the program, though military officials insist that this is a coincidence. Additional controversy has surrounded the fact that so far, no college girls have been admitted into the program; all 298,645 students enrolled in the study abroad program are male. However, military officials state that this is also a coincidence: "the U.S. Army hopes to use this program to benefit students of all colors, genders, and abilities," a military spokesperson told reporters in an official press release. "Placement in this program is decided by a random lottery. We regret if any coincidences have disadvantaged any particular group or groups by accident." Though the army has dismissed allegations of sexism, many college girls remain unconvinced. "A woman deserves the right to study alongside her male counterparts in Syria. This is a fundamental right," said Boston-area lawyer Meghan Gallagher. "I understand that this is a coincidence, but the incredibly high sample size lends this case suspicion."
The program's start is intended to coincide with the beginning of the next semester, although military officials state that the program may have an ambiguous start date. When asked when students would begin flying out to Syria, army spokesperson Volesky told reporters that "Washington had to figure some stuff out first," and that "it could take a couple months to start. But then again, it could be tomorrow."
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