Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Arrival of Winter disproves Global Warming 
by Abe Clark

The sudden arrival of frozen precipitation Sunday
debunked the long-standing "global warming" myth. 

Climate scientists were baffled yesterday as snow fell over Boston and disproved once and for all the myth of Global Warming. Climatologists had previously thought that as fossil fuel consumption increased the planet's level of atmospheric Carbon, an increase in the average global temperature would result from increased infrared radiation trapped within the earth's atmosphere. But as nearly three and a half inches of snow fell over the Boston metropolitan area last night, climatologists were forced to shelve the decades-old theory. 

"For us, this is completely unprecedented," said MIT climate researcher Philip Kleppner. "That atmospheric Carbon levels have no seasonal affect on global weather patters goes completely against all of our previous scientific research." Along with other researchers at MIT, Kleppner is scrambling to present an alternative theory to explain the recent weather patterns. "Basically what we've come up with so far is the Kleppner-Leibowitz Theory of Average Global Temperature Causation, or KLTAGTC, which basically states that the average global temperature is completely arbitrary and is unaffected by human impact." While the theory is not perfect, Kleppner admits, it has not yet been disproven. "The obvious non-correlation between greenhouse gas levels and global temperature is something we've failed to see until today," said nobel-prize winning Chemist at Yale Dr. Edward Parfitt. "That we failed to see this detail is a great mishap in scientific history. It has been sitting right under our proverbial noses this whole time." 

However, for many citizens this issue is far from scientific. "I always knew this whole Global Warming thing was a bunch of hoo-haw," says Tennessee peanut farmer Gabriel Thompson. "I can see out my window it's snowin'. I don't need no college-boy scientist to tell me it's not snowing." Thompson says that after hearing of the sudden shift in scientific consensus, he plans to go back to college to earn a bachelor's degree in climate studies. 

For some, the shock of seeing snow in what was supposed to be a post-freezing era was enough to cause existential crises. Local resident Tracy McGillingham told reporters that she was always a firm believer in conservation and alternative energy until she saw the snow falling. "This can't be true. It can't," McGillingham told reporters in a panic. "My husband is a conservative... I can't imagine what he'll say." 

The shock of seeing snow falling over Boston greatly affected Liberal residents of Boston proper and its Western suburbs; many could be seen wandering the snowy streets in a daze. Reports of liberals freezing to death have become common throughout major US cities, as many liberals have already donated all winter clothing after a comprehensive UN study showed that Kyoto Protocol policies are too weak to prevent the average global temperature from increasing 2 degrees Celsius. "I don't understand, Global Warming was going exactly as it should have," said Cambridge democrat Albin Gustafson. "I mean, we haven't had snow in months." 

Countries that have been ravaged by drought and wildfire have welcomed the news of Boston's snowy predicament, as they see this as an end to a costly environmental catastrophe. "When drought ruined the Kenyan economy, I had to move my family across the country and get a job as a dish washer" said Kenyan dish washer and former computer programmer John Abasi. "Now that Global Warming has been disproven in the United States, the economy of Kenya will revive and I can move back and afford to feed my family again." Areas of the Southwestern United States hurt by wildfire are happy that the recent wildfires, which have increased as much as 150% in Southern California and Arizona within the last decade, have been merely coincidental. A bill to de-fund the wildfire fighting forces in California is already making its way around the California legislature, with almost unanimous support from both sides of the aisle. Proponents cite financial savings from reduced spending on now-unnecessary firefighting as the key element of this bill. 

For many, however, the news of winter's arrival isn't merely about finances; it's about moral objectives. "I guess everything will kind of just be the same now," said Boston-area college student Cari Tolbert. "I mean, I always meant to start biking to school and recycling and stuff, but I never did it that much. So I guess now I don't have to." Most college students in the Boston area reacted the same way, with an overwhelming majority stating that they supported reducing global greenhouse gas emissions, but now guess they don't have to start doing anything. "It's good to know our actions had no discernible consequences." Tolbert added with a shrug. 

Michael DeVito, a Boston area auto mechanic and amateur meteorologist, said the recent onslaught of frozen precipitation reconfirmed his previously held suspicion that Global Warming was a hoax. "Yeah, I heard about this Global Warming business. Lemme ask ya something; if the planet's gettin' fried like a chicken these days, how come I still gotta pay some homeless guy fifty bucks every year to shovel my driveway. Put that one in your gun and shoot it." 

"Boston's cold," remarked DeVito, "and it always gon' be cold. Ain't need no more proof than that."