Perhaps you can sympathize with this situation: sitting in Physics class one day, I overheard two goons in back of me undertaking a heated discussion of sporting events. The conversation went more or less as follows:
"I'm telling you, golf is a sport."
"No, it's not, there's no teams, and it doesn't even make you sweat."
"Yeah, but, it's really hard; you gotta be really good."
"Yeah, well, okay, then hot-dog eating is a sport."
I instinctively rolled my eyes at this last statement. I thought about my best friend, who happens to be gay, and the ambivalence he would show toward hot-dog eating's status as a sport. I thought about my best overweight friend, who happens to be straight, and how he might take offense at having his sexuality questioned because of his eating patterns. But mostly, I thought about the qualities of the insult itself.
"You're gay." It doesn't mean "you have a fundamental lacking of cranial capacity," or "you have an unfortunate lack of manliness," it means "you find the same gender sexually attractive." However, I don't think sport-guy one really meant to call sport-guy two a homosexual. Rather, he meant to call him any mixture of "dim-witted" and "socially inept." Unfortunately, because sport-guy one lacked the vocabulary necessary to convey this ignominy, he could only rely on the insult "gay."
The tragic thing about sport-guy's insult was that not only did it fail to insult thoroughly, it backfired. The insult exposed sports-guy's lack of vocabulary, and presented him as rather dim-witted himself. Where a simple “that is a logical fallacy” would have sufficed, “you’re gay” was possibly the worst thing sports-guy could have said at the time in terms of debate quality. "You're gay" has practically become the conversational equivalent of "I concede; you win this argument. You are both smarter and less homophobic than I."
The one thing I will give sports-guy is that the intent was there. Sports guy had decent grounds to insult the other sports-guy, and had the perfect opportunity to ridicule his insipid hot-dog comment. While the execution was terrible, the potential was there. He just needed to learn some better insults.
A good insult can really turn an argument, or a friendly conversation, in the insulter’s favor. The insultee, likely taken aback by a well-directed and colorful insult, will cease defending his position and instead be forced to defend his honor by coming up with another, better, insult. The convenient thing about a good insult is that even if the insultee comes up with a valid retort, the conversation’s result will be in your favor when the subject changes. For example:
“I’m telling you, Porkchops would totally make a better national bird than the bald eagle. I mean, how many eagles do we even eat in this country? A porkchop would be much more representative.”
“That doesn’t even make sense. You aren’t supposed to eat the national bird, and a porkchop isn’t even a...”
“YOU, sir, are nothing but a barmy berk-brained pootchie-parceled pram-pot!”
“What? Oh, uh, well, you’re a big, fat...stupid...uh...yeah, you’re stupid.”
Conversational result: Porkchops would make a better national bird.
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| I know what you're thinking: maybe when pigs fly. |
A good insult can tell your victim a lot about yourself: that you are intimidating, intelligent, person who is able to stand his ground. It can also tell the insultee a little about your cultural background; where you grew up, and what your nationality is. This is because insults are very often cultural. If you are being called a “wanker,” you are most likely standing in someone’s way in Britain. If you are being called a “fascist connard,” stop talking politics in France. And, if you have insulted a group of speech impaired people, well, you can guess how they may choose to insult you. If you are devoid of culture, however, feel free to choose from this list:
Yiddish: Zoln dir vaksn tzibeles fun pupik! (may an onion grow from your navel).
Soviet Russian: Пусть ваша жизнь станет таким же несчастным, как моя. (May your life become as miserable as mine)
Minnesotan: Um...your shirt looks nice.
New York: Stupid frickin' stupid tourist comin’ into MY city an’ leavin’ a three-dollar tip, stupid, stupid, stupid, tourist comin’ inta MY city an’ three dollar tip, stupid tourist three dollar MY city... (source: original research)
"我喜欢鸡汤面" (far too inappropriate to print)
Cuban:
"No single-payer health care system for you!"
Cubist:
Relativist:
"You're an ass, even objectively."
Relative:
"No more blog posts until you find a job, or you're out of the basement, mister."
Dadaist:
Picking a cultural insult can be a very good choice of insult, because not only does it intimidate, it tells the victim a little bit about yourself. This is why insults can be a very good way to meet new people. Try it with blind dates, classmate peers, crushes, and long-lost relatives, as a way to break the ice and learn a little about each other. If you don't have any specific culture of insults, don't be ashamed to borrow one from the list above. Doing so will allow you to appear worldly and cultured. Impress people with your appreciation for world culture by using these at job interviews, business meetings, and oral exams.
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"Your hair looks like an inverted snail's shell."
"How enlightening! Welcome aboard!" |
If insults are an art, then one of the greatest artists of all time was former Prime Minister of England Winston Churchill, with his infamous insults directed at Lady Astor. Astor had told him he was drunk, to which Churchill replied "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly." Another artist of insults was our own President Theodore Roosevelt, who gave my personal favorite when he grumbled that President William McKinley “has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair.” William Shakespeare, thought of by many teenagers as a boring and dull writer, was actually a master of the insult, crafting brilliant personal affronts: “they lie deadly that tell you you have good faces,” violent insults: “go hang yourself, you naughty mocking uncle,” and: “it shall to the Barber’s with your beard!” Whichever category of insult that falls into.
So next time I'm sitting in Physics class, I hope to hear the following:
"Cheerleading isn't a sport"
"I mean, it can be...if the chicks are hot enough, huh huh huh huh huh."
"You, sir; the only difference between you and an aircraft carrier full of festering beetles' carcasses in the aircraft carrier in which the aforementioned deceased insects float."
"Guess it's not a sport."
written by Abe Clark, Dec 16, 2012
