Sunday, September 15, 2013
U.S. Military initiates new free "Semester Abroad" program in Syria

Program seen as great benefit for college students

by Abe Clark

In a surprising show of generosity towards the nation's college students, the United States military is opening a new "semester abroad" program in overseas countries. The program aims to provide students with a worldly education that exposes students to international viewpoints and global perspectives. 

"I am happy to announce our new 'semester abroad' program, available for all college students ages eighteen and up," said United States military chief of public relations Gary J Volesky. "Students will have to opportunity to spend a semester overseas at a number of exotic locations." Volesky said that students will have the opportunity to participate in a variety of courses and activities overseas, although he stated that he could not specify what those were at this time.

Volesky states that the primary motivation for creating the study abroad program was to expose students from the United States to the cultures and societies of the international educational community. "With this program, we hope to instill in students the values of global thinking and world peace." Spreading values of peace was one of the most important rationals in the initiation of this program, Volesky says. "The United States military always has the best intentions in everything we do. Never forget that."

"We will bring peace through any means we deem necessary," Volesky added. "Any means." When asked to explain what he meant by "any means," Volesky said he could not make a comment at this time.

The program is free for current college students who are legal United States citizens. Despite its attractive nature, there are many openings available for students across the United States: "currently, we are offering 300,000 positions for the study-abroad program. This may seem like many, but we need every man we can get," said the program's spokesperson Ronald P. Edwards. "Students from across the country, from every college and university, are encouraged to join this program." Edwards stressed that the program would rely on the "strength in numbers" of college students.

Many college students initially held back from joining the program, wary of the civil war currently embroiling Syria. "Syria? Isn't there, like, a war there right now?" Asked Boston University student Helen Tuomi. "I think I'd prefer a more peaceful country, like Africa or Scotland." Edwards stressed that the current civil war would have no effect on the program. "Students need not worry about the civil war; that has nothing to do with this program whatsoever. Whatsoever." 

"Cobras, though." Edwards added. "That'll be something to look out for. Make sure you bring army boots, kids, those are snake-resistant." 

Many students see this program as a godsend. "I honestly don't know how to thank them," said Tufts University student Adam Roberts. "I get a whole year of credits for free and I get to tour the exotic middle east? My only question is, what's in it for the military?" Some Universities have seen drastic dips in enrollment as a result of the program. Northeastern University, in particular, has seen a 96% drop in enrollment since the program began. In order to combat this issue, executives at NEU are considering cutting tuition by 3%. 

However, despite its popularity, the program has not been without its controversy. Currently, no physically disabled students have been admitted to the program, though military officials insist that this is a coincidence. Additional controversy has surrounded the fact that so far, no college girls have been admitted into the program; all 298,645 students enrolled in the study abroad program are male. However, military officials state that this is also a coincidence: "the U.S. Army hopes to use this program to benefit students of all colors, genders, and abilities," a military spokesperson told reporters in an official press release. "Placement in this program is decided by a random lottery. We regret if any coincidences have disadvantaged any particular group or groups by accident." Though the army has dismissed allegations of sexism, many college girls remain unconvinced. "A woman deserves the right to study alongside her male counterparts in Syria. This is a fundamental right," said Boston-area lawyer Meghan Gallagher. "I understand that this is a coincidence, but the incredibly high sample size lends this case suspicion." 

The program's start is intended to coincide with the beginning of the next semester, although military officials state that the program may have an ambiguous start date. When asked when students would begin flying out to Syria, army spokesperson Volesky told reporters that "Washington had to figure some stuff out first," and that "it could take a couple months to start. But then again, it could be tomorrow."