How NOT to send a group e-mail

Hey Guuuuyyyyzzzzzz!!!! It's that one over-enthusiastic Sophomore you met at Orientation! How are all my Freshmen?!?~~~~~~! ?!#&#$%#!!! Okay guyz, STRAP in for the next twenty minutes, cuz I have a CRAZY email to share with you all!

I'm taking up a quick bit of your time to tell you that, if you are one of the ten people on the intramural feminist Quidditch team, practice will be held in the Belfry tower of the Castle. 

OH My GOd! LOOK At All these RaNdoM colors! Aren't we JusT SOOO RANDOM!?!?! Abbreviated monkey taco pants esquire! Gosh I'm so random and quirky! Everyone says monkey when they're being random! WHYHHYYYYHYYY?!!?!

RAINBOW!!!!!!!! It took me hours to do this!  

Hey! Guess what?><><><?!? There's another event happening soon! The grilled cheese marathon will be on wednesday, September 31!?!!?!?! Hey, who loves this color? WHO LOVES THIS COLOR ON A WHITE BACKGROUND!!!!?! Doesn't it just make you wanna barf with glee?? 

You get a Brandeis thursday on your next free day!!!! This SILLY color scheme detracts from your angeR! 

By the way, Rachel, and David say Heye! What's up guys? 
Don't know Rachel and David? Fuck you! 

Funclub 2013 would like everyone in funclub to know that funclub meeting times have been changed! Funclub will now meet monday during your Chem recitation, thursday during your debate meeting, and sunday during your work study. 

This part is REALLY important!!!! I'm gonna write it in Yellow though, so you have to squint and move your face really close to your computer so it looks like you're trying to french your laptop. 

Make SURE you pay very close attention to the above paragraph guys, it's really important.

This part is even more important! Screw people with glasses!!!!! Nerds!!!

FREE FALL CONCERT!!! THIS YEAR'S CONCERT WILL INCLUDE ACTS BY: 
-Bon Jovi
-Hipster Z and the pretentious Ds.  
-Belinda Nye the Politically Correct Science Woman
-Nickelback cover band Dime-bag 
Attendance is mandatory! 

Somebody told me that they don't like the creative colors!!!!!?! Well, I think they are a doodoo head!!! But I'll use normal type anyway: 

Writing in black, no big deal. They didn't say anything about highlight color! Fuck retinas! 

Anyway Guyz, I hope you all have a really great first year! If you found any of this confusing or slightly annoying, feel free to reply to this e-mail at noreply@brandeis.edu. Make sure you hit "reply all" so everyone gets it!!! 

Thanks geyez! Love you! 

************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****************

Jacob Goldsteinberg