Friday, September 20, 2013
Brandeis University constructs new "Shapiro Center of Linguistics" atop towering 436-foot-tall precipice. 
by Abe Clark

The new Shapiro Linguistics Center,
visible here from the Shiffman
Humanities building, continues the
Castle theme of Brandeis' campus.

Brandeis students will now have another place in which students can study and explore; the new linguistics center will be at the forefront of the University's recent expansion. With construction set to complete in mid-October, the Shapiro Linguistics center will be the largest and most advanced of its kind in New England. 

"With the new linguistics center, made possible by the generosity of Carl and Ruth Shapiro of course, we hope to offer Brandeis students the most advanced linguistics experience possible, just a short rock climb away from their dorms," announced Brandeis University president Fred Lawrence. Accessibility to the Linguistics center from other buildings on campus was a key component of the building's design, said Lawrence. "Students can easily reach the building using alpine style mountaineering or a belay technique." In the winter, the University plans to lend out ice axes to aid students in reaching class on time. Plans to hook the Linguistics Center up to the Rabb/Shiffman helicopter shuttle route have yet to be discussed. 

Accessibility to the Linguistics center was questioned early on, however, particularly regarding its accessibility for disabled students and the elderly. "We realize that rock climbing might not be for everybody," said chief architect of the project David Silverstein. "For this reason, we're installing a rope ladder to give access to disabled or wheelchair-bound students." Further accessibility will be added with the implementation of a grappling hook next year. 

Aspiring linguistics majors see the new center as a welcome addition to the Brandeis University campus. "I think it's great," said Brandeis sophomore and potential linguistics major Rachel Goldman. "It's...oh, I gotta run." Goldman then told reporters she could not give further comment, as she had class in thirty five minutes. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013
U.S. Military initiates new free "Semester Abroad" program in Syria

Program seen as great benefit for college students

by Abe Clark

In a surprising show of generosity towards the nation's college students, the United States military is opening a new "semester abroad" program in overseas countries. The program aims to provide students with a worldly education that exposes students to international viewpoints and global perspectives. 

"I am happy to announce our new 'semester abroad' program, available for all college students ages eighteen and up," said United States military chief of public relations Gary J Volesky. "Students will have to opportunity to spend a semester overseas at a number of exotic locations." Volesky said that students will have the opportunity to participate in a variety of courses and activities overseas, although he stated that he could not specify what those were at this time.

Volesky states that the primary motivation for creating the study abroad program was to expose students from the United States to the cultures and societies of the international educational community. "With this program, we hope to instill in students the values of global thinking and world peace." Spreading values of peace was one of the most important rationals in the initiation of this program, Volesky says. "The United States military always has the best intentions in everything we do. Never forget that."

"We will bring peace through any means we deem necessary," Volesky added. "Any means." When asked to explain what he meant by "any means," Volesky said he could not make a comment at this time.

The program is free for current college students who are legal United States citizens. Despite its attractive nature, there are many openings available for students across the United States: "currently, we are offering 300,000 positions for the study-abroad program. This may seem like many, but we need every man we can get," said the program's spokesperson Ronald P. Edwards. "Students from across the country, from every college and university, are encouraged to join this program." Edwards stressed that the program would rely on the "strength in numbers" of college students.

Many college students initially held back from joining the program, wary of the civil war currently embroiling Syria. "Syria? Isn't there, like, a war there right now?" Asked Boston University student Helen Tuomi. "I think I'd prefer a more peaceful country, like Africa or Scotland." Edwards stressed that the current civil war would have no effect on the program. "Students need not worry about the civil war; that has nothing to do with this program whatsoever. Whatsoever." 

"Cobras, though." Edwards added. "That'll be something to look out for. Make sure you bring army boots, kids, those are snake-resistant." 

Many students see this program as a godsend. "I honestly don't know how to thank them," said Tufts University student Adam Roberts. "I get a whole year of credits for free and I get to tour the exotic middle east? My only question is, what's in it for the military?" Some Universities have seen drastic dips in enrollment as a result of the program. Northeastern University, in particular, has seen a 96% drop in enrollment since the program began. In order to combat this issue, executives at NEU are considering cutting tuition by 3%. 

However, despite its popularity, the program has not been without its controversy. Currently, no physically disabled students have been admitted to the program, though military officials insist that this is a coincidence. Additional controversy has surrounded the fact that so far, no college girls have been admitted into the program; all 298,645 students enrolled in the study abroad program are male. However, military officials state that this is also a coincidence: "the U.S. Army hopes to use this program to benefit students of all colors, genders, and abilities," a military spokesperson told reporters in an official press release. "Placement in this program is decided by a random lottery. We regret if any coincidences have disadvantaged any particular group or groups by accident." Though the army has dismissed allegations of sexism, many college girls remain unconvinced. "A woman deserves the right to study alongside her male counterparts in Syria. This is a fundamental right," said Boston-area lawyer Meghan Gallagher. "I understand that this is a coincidence, but the incredibly high sample size lends this case suspicion." 

The program's start is intended to coincide with the beginning of the next semester, although military officials state that the program may have an ambiguous start date. When asked when students would begin flying out to Syria, army spokesperson Volesky told reporters that "Washington had to figure some stuff out first," and that "it could take a couple months to start. But then again, it could be tomorrow."

Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Arrival of Winter disproves Global Warming 
by Abe Clark

The sudden arrival of frozen precipitation Sunday
debunked the long-standing "global warming" myth. 

Climate scientists were baffled yesterday as snow fell over Boston and disproved once and for all the myth of Global Warming. Climatologists had previously thought that as fossil fuel consumption increased the planet's level of atmospheric Carbon, an increase in the average global temperature would result from increased infrared radiation trapped within the earth's atmosphere. But as nearly three and a half inches of snow fell over the Boston metropolitan area last night, climatologists were forced to shelve the decades-old theory. 

"For us, this is completely unprecedented," said MIT climate researcher Philip Kleppner. "That atmospheric Carbon levels have no seasonal affect on global weather patters goes completely against all of our previous scientific research." Along with other researchers at MIT, Kleppner is scrambling to present an alternative theory to explain the recent weather patterns. "Basically what we've come up with so far is the Kleppner-Leibowitz Theory of Average Global Temperature Causation, or KLTAGTC, which basically states that the average global temperature is completely arbitrary and is unaffected by human impact." While the theory is not perfect, Kleppner admits, it has not yet been disproven. "The obvious non-correlation between greenhouse gas levels and global temperature is something we've failed to see until today," said nobel-prize winning Chemist at Yale Dr. Edward Parfitt. "That we failed to see this detail is a great mishap in scientific history. It has been sitting right under our proverbial noses this whole time." 

However, for many citizens this issue is far from scientific. "I always knew this whole Global Warming thing was a bunch of hoo-haw," says Tennessee peanut farmer Gabriel Thompson. "I can see out my window it's snowin'. I don't need no college-boy scientist to tell me it's not snowing." Thompson says that after hearing of the sudden shift in scientific consensus, he plans to go back to college to earn a bachelor's degree in climate studies. 

For some, the shock of seeing snow in what was supposed to be a post-freezing era was enough to cause existential crises. Local resident Tracy McGillingham told reporters that she was always a firm believer in conservation and alternative energy until she saw the snow falling. "This can't be true. It can't," McGillingham told reporters in a panic. "My husband is a conservative... I can't imagine what he'll say." 

The shock of seeing snow falling over Boston greatly affected Liberal residents of Boston proper and its Western suburbs; many could be seen wandering the snowy streets in a daze. Reports of liberals freezing to death have become common throughout major US cities, as many liberals have already donated all winter clothing after a comprehensive UN study showed that Kyoto Protocol policies are too weak to prevent the average global temperature from increasing 2 degrees Celsius. "I don't understand, Global Warming was going exactly as it should have," said Cambridge democrat Albin Gustafson. "I mean, we haven't had snow in months." 

Countries that have been ravaged by drought and wildfire have welcomed the news of Boston's snowy predicament, as they see this as an end to a costly environmental catastrophe. "When drought ruined the Kenyan economy, I had to move my family across the country and get a job as a dish washer" said Kenyan dish washer and former computer programmer John Abasi. "Now that Global Warming has been disproven in the United States, the economy of Kenya will revive and I can move back and afford to feed my family again." Areas of the Southwestern United States hurt by wildfire are happy that the recent wildfires, which have increased as much as 150% in Southern California and Arizona within the last decade, have been merely coincidental. A bill to de-fund the wildfire fighting forces in California is already making its way around the California legislature, with almost unanimous support from both sides of the aisle. Proponents cite financial savings from reduced spending on now-unnecessary firefighting as the key element of this bill. 

For many, however, the news of winter's arrival isn't merely about finances; it's about moral objectives. "I guess everything will kind of just be the same now," said Boston-area college student Cari Tolbert. "I mean, I always meant to start biking to school and recycling and stuff, but I never did it that much. So I guess now I don't have to." Most college students in the Boston area reacted the same way, with an overwhelming majority stating that they supported reducing global greenhouse gas emissions, but now guess they don't have to start doing anything. "It's good to know our actions had no discernible consequences." Tolbert added with a shrug. 

Michael DeVito, a Boston area auto mechanic and amateur meteorologist, said the recent onslaught of frozen precipitation reconfirmed his previously held suspicion that Global Warming was a hoax. "Yeah, I heard about this Global Warming business. Lemme ask ya something; if the planet's gettin' fried like a chicken these days, how come I still gotta pay some homeless guy fifty bucks every year to shovel my driveway. Put that one in your gun and shoot it." 

"Boston's cold," remarked DeVito, "and it always gon' be cold. Ain't need no more proof than that." 

Why "The Shrike?"

Many people, myself included, have wondered why I have chosen to name this blog "The Shrike," instead of something more conventional, like "the writing blog," or the "John Stamos fan club blog." The Shrike is a rather odd name, as it sounds most like a mix of "shriek," and "reich," two words that I would not like associated with the blog on which I spend my down time. The name "The Shrike" is actually, as many of you guessed from the title image of this blog, a reference to a type of bird. Shrikes are large songbirds, and rather uninteresting at first glance; they have no bright colors or fancy frills, and have inspired no children's songs of which I am yet aware. A Shrike is a bird found in many areas of the world, although all sub-species of Shrike have one particular attribute in common: a very unique method of food preservation. While most of us humans choose to preserve food by "popping it in the refrigerator," Shrikes save the odd mouse or amphibian for later by impaling its body on a sharp thorn or barbed wire. 

The first and only time I had the pleasure of observing this brutish behavior was in the humid swamps of southern Georgia. While working on an outdoor project with the student conservation association, a friend of mine pointed to a bird she thought was a mockingbird, and remarked that the mockingbird was her favorite because of the symbolic role for peace and innocence the bird played in her favorite novel. The large black and white bird then dropped swiftly out of the tree in which it had been sitting, snatched a lizard off the ground, and impaled it unceremoniously on the tines of a pitchfork that had been resting leaned up against a wall. 

The scene was obviously very surprising to us, particularly because of the inconspicuous nature of the black-and-white bird sitting in the tree. Therein lies what I believe to be the purpose of good writing and social commentary: to be inconspicuously vicious. Writing has had an inconspicuously vicious impact on the world as we know it: writers like Spinoza and Marx were fundamentally able to change society through writing, while others such as Orwell and Voltaire were able to change forever how we regard establishment. Countless authors have changed our lives and the ways we interact; in being inconspicuously vicious, writing has the ability to change the world. 

That, however, is not the purpose or ambition of this particular blog. This blog is merely the side-project of an often bored teenager. If in attempting the inconspicuously vicious I make you laugh or entice you to share a post with a friend, I have achieved my goal. Please don't think I am comparing myself with Voltaire. 

Eurocentricity in History Class

I am writing this post on Martin Luther King, Jr. day, a day set aside to honor the leader of nonviolent protests who brought equality to a segregated country. The reason I am writing this, and not furiously scribbling down notes, is that my school, Highland Park Senior, celebrates Martin Luther King, Jr. day by granting all students temporary freedom. The elementary school I attended did not give MLK day off, however, and instead used it as an opportunity to educate children on the history of African Americans and segregation in America.

obviously, we learned well

Throughout elementary school, we were intensively educated on the importance of integration and tolerance. And with good reason: education works almost frighteningly well. In many parts of the world, education is still used to instill values of racism and violent hatred into children. Teaching tolerance in schools has brought us from a segregated country to a black president in about forty years, which is impressive if you consider how long it took us to invent toilet paper (thousands of years). 

Through education, we have greatly succeeded in mitigating racism in main-stream America. However, once we are taught not to hate black people, we almost immediately forget they exist. Crack open a copy of A History of the Modern World, the current history book used by Highland Park, and you'll find a map of Europe in the "geographical background" section, to the exclusion of a map of any other region. The preface of the textbook explains that it "makes no claim to be a world history," "focuses primarily on the developments of the west," and "stresses the influence of European societies." All non-European history in the textbook, which is scarce, is presented only as it applies to Europe, and non-European history that does not in some way involve Europe is not present. 

Durning history class one day, I discovered that my teacher, who can eloquently describe how Rasputin affected the Russian Revolution for two hours if provoked, did not have any idea who Joseph Mobutu, the dictator who ruled Sub-Saharan Africa's largest country for nearly forty years, was. Nor should she be expected to: Mobutu, and the Great African War that succeeded his reign, are not present in any of our textbooks, and are entirely ignored by most schools and historians in general. It appears that as high schoolers we don't know anything about black people, aside from the fact that we should be nice to them.

Another excerpt from A History of the Modern World 

The lack of contemporary African history in schools has led Africa to become everything our tolerance education has tried to prevent it from becoming: the giant "dark" continent that appears on our maps, but not in our knowledge. The particularly troubling aspect of our history textbooks is not that it only teaches European history, but that it teaches all history through the lens of European society. In America, we are not European, and besides the fact that our classes are delivered in a European language, schools do not have any obligation to teach history from a European perspective. In American history classes, we are somewhat perplexingly choosing to look at history from the point of view of Europe. 

Meanwhile, African history is relegated to special events and national holidays, as if learning African history were some worthy cause, not a necessity. I have always found it ridiculous that we should set aside special time to learn about any certain minority group, as if to compensate for our lack of attention towards that group during the rest of the year. One serious issue with "black history" is this: history is far too interwoven for the teaching of just one group to be relevant. Imagine if we tried to fragment historical education into the histories of all ethnic groups: three months of Asian history, followed by two months for European history, and then a month of Latin America. I suppose we would then allow three weeks for Middle Eastern history, followed by a month of North American history and a week of Australian history, before closing out the year with our typical "black history month." This thinking brought Morgan Freeman, pictured in the quote above, to speak out against black history month, saying: "you're going to relegate my history to a month? Black history is American history." Freeman is always so good at explaining things. 

The need for greater education of Africa in our schools is all too apparent. When I had the pleasure of meeting Chingwell Motumbu recently, a former Congolese citizen who started first step initiative, she stressed to me how education was the most important factor in lifting the Democratic Republic of the Congo out of poverty. If we are to lift ourselves out of our own bubble of eurocentricity and into global relevance, it will require the same equal attention to education that is worldwide and multi-cultural, and this includes education of Africa, not just as it applies to the West, but education that highlights the value of African society independently. 

It has been suggested that history remains Eurocentric because history is taught as a study of "us" and who "we" are and where "we" are going as a people. But what are Americans if not a conglomeration of worldwide cultures? In fact, what is modern civilization if not a conglomeration of influences from across the globe, not merely, as my textbook implies, made up of the influence of European societies. As a global society, we all benefit from the contributions and the histories of other societies, not just as they apply to our own, but in their own right. 


written by Abe Clark, January 21, 2013

(actually an earhorn)

written by Abe Clark, January 19, 2013

On the Worldwide Imbalance of Labor

Sometime during the incredibly heated and incredibly irrelevant Republican primary of 2012, evangelical candidate Rick Santorum stood in front of a large crowd after pulling off a narrow victory over Mitt Romney in Iowa. "My dad taught me over and over again: Work hard, work hard, and work hard," Santorum patriotically delivered. The applause that followed this statement reflected how perfectly this statement illustrates the American belief in Capitalism. Even Democrats could not argue with this: no one would say they are "against" working hard. While few Democrats would disagree with Santorum's platform that working hard prevents poverty, fewer still would disagree with the idea that hard work pays off.

Remember, if you will, back to 2008, during the last election. Remember what the most prominent issue of that election was? Chances are, you remember it being the same as it was this election: the economy. That made sense back then: the economy sucked. Unemployment was climbing; by 2009, it was nearing 10%, and the country was terrified of economic ruin. The "great recession," as we called it back then, would eventually end. A couple of years after President Obama took office, the economy began to slowly improve. The unemployment rate dropped below 8%, and President Obama was rewarded with a second term. Now image if, in 2009, the economy had not gotten better, and instead had become worse...and worse...and worse...
This is the economic situation that grips Greece, which currently has an unemployment rate of about 26.8% percent; approximately what the United States sustained during the Great Depression.

In a recent poll conducted in eight European countries, a plurality of citizens in five of those countries rated Greece as the "least hardworking" country in Europe. In case you are unaware or a fish, Greece is currently in an extremely difficult economic situation, with unemployment and debt that have led to violent riots. Greece itself was the only country in the poll that considered themselves the hardest working country in Europe, yet they were right: according to the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), citizens of Greece work longer hours than any other European country. It would appear from this study that hard work does not pay off as it should.

Interestingly, every country except for Greece ranked Germany as the hardest working country, yet it actually works the second-least according to the OECD. Germany's reputation for being an extremely hard-working country has most likely risen from its resilience to Europe's economic issues: in 2012, Germany reported just a 6.70 percent unemployment rate, far below the European Union average. This study showed that, for some reason, we seem to equate hard work with success. In fact, the true correlation is closer to the opposite: Matthew Yglesias wrote for Slate magazine that "Countries aren't rich because their people work hard. When people are poor, that's when they work hard." 

When we equate wealth with hard work, we corrupt our ability to see where our work is truly going. Citizens of highly developed Norway work an average of 1413 hours per year, one of the lowest amounts in the OECD's study, but pull in a median annual income of $31,011, among the highest. The hardest working non-European countries in the study, South Korea, Chile, and Israel, make the 20th, 32nd, and 25th highest per year in median income, after most highly-developed European countries. Of course it is true that hard work pays off, but it only pays off in the right context. Capitalism does not, contrary to what many think, create an environment where hard work is rewarded with economic advancement. Rather, it fosters an economic system that rewards those who have capital with more capital.

Writing about the terribly sad global economic system that hurts many countries reminded me of this funny cartoon I once read. 

It isn't the fault of highly-developed countries like Norway and France that other countries work hard for little benefit. Those countries should be commended for figuring out a way around difficult labor. Rather, it is the capitalistic worldwide economy that so many countries embrace, and that so many countries believe will solve their economic issues.  Capitalism dictates that hard work is rewarded with economic advancement. In reality, the Capitalist system rewards those countries that are already economically stable, and don't need to rely on long work hours for economic security. The data taken by the OECD shows that no country is truly struggling because of a lack of hard work. The fact that so many people in Europe thought Greece was a "lazy" country is proof of how far Capitalist ideology has become engrained into our society. 


written by Abe Clark, January 15, 2013